09/07/06 The Things That i have written for the past week ..

1st July
Guess something is wrong with me .... but i never felt so hurt till today ...to me being a couple together, bearing with each other is a must, and cause i know wat i want, is to be with u and 4ever so no matter wat wrong u did, i always give in and tink of the positive side.I never ever in my life love some so deeply like u and to commit so much in which i never do before, toking abt the furture and planning and etc. I know i tend to take things for granted at times, and my temper is like so unjustify at times but well i really know and so i prepare to change for the seek of walking a longer path, and i never ever felt bad or unhappy abt giving certain things up or even to change for the better.And well i took the wrong approach and wrong action towards u at times i guess, its not that i always wana feel right or to win, its just that i feel i have the rights to guide u along and let u know, and maybe what i feel is that u never ever think.Communication really do a bad part in us and casuing this thing to happen for today ...i guess u have been keeping all those unhappiness inside u and well causes everything to make this happen.During your birthday, well is it so important to tink of the unhappiness and have u ever think y m i like this, there is no right or wrong and most important is that wat is the motive behind it and y it happen, i love u and care too much and so this happen, i wana do so much for u and even to plan but at times financal dun allow me to do so, and i tink letting u know so that u will understand.I rather spent money for home cause i wana let u feel at home and a comfortable place for u to live in.And well most of the time i m trouble by money issues, and so i flown, like recently i really never blame u but well just feel bad of where to find the money to pay back to people, cause we already have a planning there and i feel so useless.At times i know u wana help but well guess certain pride in me dun allow u to do certain thing, and again i did explain.I m not really an unreasonable person, but guess watever things i think dun allow me to have a certain space to breathe in but deep inside my heart its all u and u ... but well too bad i m abit useless at times for not able to commit or do something for u.No matter how bad, how unhappy, y can't we think of the goal that we have in life, and to fullfill it, since day one we know its not easy, and we agree to walk down together.And well maybe like u say i m not tat mature after all, the talk that we have and everything is jus like nthing, and that really make me so sad, u r my greatest weakness, i cannot be sensible for now for the life over the past over years which i came by and guess the one whom wearing the big hat ME tend to spolit everyting i have.But deep inside sincerly, i really have change but guess i need more time.At times i know u r worry and so i use action to prove to u, as long as ur happy, i be happy.But losing u now is really too hard for me to except, i be lost and numb and causing me to do stupid thing, guess i m tired. Tired of being me.But realy i love u with all my heart, everything in my mind is juz u and u, even weather u did wrong or i wrong, its because we care for each other and cause certain ting to happen.I know wats wrong with me but i dun think if we really know wat we wan in life, this will not happen and i m changing as the days goes by.Looking at the photos and everything, i 4get everything, i did put myself in yur shoe to tink and well i guess u r tired of me and well maybe i m too stupid to understand wat i wan or well i carry myself too high, and this fall is really too hard for me to except.Thx for giving me the chance to love u once and i still holding on to the promise we made.Sorry for eveything, yur ultraman has really disappoint u .....I wana be sensible and well advising people is easy but for me now i can't cause ur my eveything and all i wana love to be to with forever... Dear, i m really changing ... waiting 4 u.Remember to wake up early and go work ya, dun nua again, good work dun come easy.Also remember to drink more water and eat also, dun be so picky.Know how to save also, dun spent on not needed thing.Also dun smoke and drink so much, take care of yur health ...learn to know wat u r doing and plan ya .. i duno wat i m writing .. i juz know i miss u alot now ..and i duno wat to do ...lost .........
Remember the analysis ..Your sweetheart is like a big brother to you. He is kind and always takes good care of you. He is a dream boyfriend; gentle and compassionate, he is completely and utterly dedicated to the girl he loves. It's easy to please him because he appreciates everything you do for him. There's no need to worry about changing yourself in any way because he accepts you the way you are. When this type of man fall in love it's going to be deep and quite probably forever.
Wat it say above is very true ... Living together tend to develop another way of love to be .. the habit and etc ..i been so long single and it has been with me all this while to ignore certain things and not use to being slping early and etc .. but over the times, i m learning and changing for the better ...
I have a weak point and its u ..i told u before and i meant every single word i say and i remember every single word u told me too ....We both agree its not easy to walk down the path ... but we r trying to make it better ...Enviroment ..stress ..money r so many things to considerate ..and wat did i really do wrong ..even if i m wrong .. i guess i dun deserve this turnout .. y not think of the positive and think y m i like this ..all this while i never ever tink whose fault ... we do say to overcome it together and to tell each other to make each other realise it ... but tinking otherwise ...other then all those .. did i ever really do wrong ... even if i m wrong ..is all my past that make me out to be ..but with u ..i m changing for the better ... being stronger ...All i ask is more time for me to show ... and to understand each other more ..imagine if we never ever live together ..all this thing will not happen afterall ...I m selfish ..i take things for granted at times ...but if u r saying i m not mature ...it be the only things that i done to be silly and the above mention things i say ...All i know is to love u wholeheartly .... if i never think and know wat i wan .. i guess maybe eariler we might even be together but i tink thats not the correct way for a r/s to be ...coz no one is perfect after all .. being together and living together is totaly different ...but i really took the time and heart to change for a longer path ahead of us ...maybe love is not that great afterall .... ...i pray really hard ... and even wish that time can turn back ... all this while .. i never even compare or to tink of the bad point or wrong u have done ... i juz tink i have to except for wat u r and along the way to let u know ... and aware .. all the while i thought 2 person in love can overcome anyting as we have the belief to be ... but ....
waiting for u ... action will show ..and time will tell ...
Since day one i set my eye on u .. i fall in love with u, when we r together, i m so happy and decide to spent the rest of my days with u ...All the while i thought to myself i be ready for a r/s and even end up for me to change for the better, i will and not at the expenses of not being happy or being force to change. I belive its for the good of me and with u around to walk a longer path and to be a gd husband to u in the future.I really put in alot effort but till today i never complain and i know i m not even near to perfect yet, but with yur word and understanding i m more glad and even told myself to learn to plan or even to pamper u and even do things that both of us can do together.I always at times tend to use the wrong approach or even worry this and that, like even to buy things for u, i will tink twice and so i m afraid that u duno so i told u .... this is me all along, i care too much and worry too much, and maybe it turn out to be bad ...The day that we go shopping together for the hse and etc ... i was really happy seeing u ... having fun along the way, toking abt saliormoon and ultraman and etc ...I know wats wrong with me ..being impaitent at certain times ..giving way off, feeling pek chey and etc, but all i have is really a true heart for u ... changing along the way.Even if u wana smoke, i will never say no to u, even to other things and coz i dote on u and i give in to u, even if i m at fault, i explain and say sorry ...u might never agree to what i say at times but even that i guess our commincation really play a bad part. I wonder is it the past of both of us tend to reflect badly in us now ...i never ever complain how bad r u or even to told to a third party, all i know i muz except for what u r and along the way to tell u and let u be aware.To me occasion seems to be at times different, and i promise to make it up even after that incident but well due to cash flow issue ... at times i find myself so useless for not able to provide u for what i tink is wat u deserve to have.Guy well certain pride and issues tend to effect in a way or so ... being not able to provide for her love one make myself really so useless.At times i thought having a little fun or even kidding at certain action is to brighten up the day or way, like example when u go back to yur parent place, i really do miss u but well i know as i stated at the first day when i m with u, to have a balance in everything and so i never tend to control at times and even make u aware of your surrounding issues.I willing to pay any price for the better of both of us to be and i never ever wana complain ...coz since the first day we r together, i set to be with u ..I always wana the best for u .... willing to share everyting i have with u ...and even try not to be that sensitive but i m really changing thats y i told u anyting we shd let each other know, and so i told u but well it end up to be a quarrel, i really have no intendtion of that, i juz wana let u be aware and i know i shd not be in this way .. guess again its a bad move of me.I learn to adapt and change for the r/s we r in ... but well living together is really different.Imagine if we r not living together, everyday fetch each other from work ... having dinner together and then go back home ...and etc ..i guess it be more sweeter this way and all this will not happen after all, and maybe we learn to understand each other more.I dun give up certain things so easy and maybe u may find me a pest, and coz i love u. we have not reach our ending yet and this shd not be cause of some miscommunication and approach.
I really wana wish u the best, be it for me or u, watever u people console i tend to understand, but well i really fall this time, losing u is really a great impact to me...to advise is easy but when things happen to me, i duno wat to do, well stupid indeed ... but i really dun deserve all this without yur understanding and to look things clearer .. and y r we together at the first place.I know u have yur own tinking but all i ask is that u try to be in different shoe and think ... y let a small minor issues effect us for the greater achive ahead.Well tired, but well to the belief that we have, we will overcome it together ....
All i ask is juz a little more time from u ..
I tink hard and long, wondering wat went wrong .. all i know even things when wrong, at certain point it was out of good intention but well the way of approach wrong.Thinking too much causes tings not to turn up well ... being sensitive at the wrong time and wrong action.I always wana tink of activites that both of us can do together, all the while i thought its nice but at times it get me carry away into the game.I stop gaming for kind of long till i met her, and i thought i shd tink of things that we can do together and since she got play game .. so we start playing shuihu online then AOE ... heh it was fun ...seeing her into the game hee ... she will start swearing heh at times can be worst then me.I really duno wat is call mature anymore, or i guess i take things for granted ...but well i always do the wrong action at the wrong time ... but deep inside my heart i really care for her .. So well i told myself muz change ... well temper start begin better but well more things to change ..i always thought of sweet ting for her and to do for her but well i duno y i think so much like money issues and etc ..worrying after spenting this, will there be enough for us ...I guess everyone need a little breathing space at times ... but guess me or even everyone will tend to take tings for granted at times ... but at times we make up for it ...I guess me always tink of the promises that we make and assume that she agree at times of wat i say ..i always thought by commication will do the work ..but heh it dun ..it tend to reflect a bad way that i always wana win and sound so unreasoanable ... but all behind it was a heart of mine that loving her always. I know at times its not an excuse but well mistake tend to be make at times.Example to me it might sound i m in a gd tone but to her its not .. but i really wana clarify i dun mean anything at times, i juz wana let her know wat i m thinking and again bad move at the wrong time .. i really envy couple and i thought we r the one too ..to be prepare to walk down the road together and so to remind each other and bearing with each other ..changing for the better and etc.After u left, i have so much to tell u, well too late ...:( and so i write to u ...To me ..guess bad things all add together tend to become horrible, but all i ask is to be fair in a way,or tend to look things in a different way or path.ALl i know no one is perfect .. all the while i never mind or even bother abt the mistake u make but tend to explain ..yes at times i m angry but well deep inside my heart, i never blame u once at all ...juz that at times ..the mind become corrupted. No matter what things happen, i will be the first to raise my hand and solve it together for u.At times i really do envy u so i did told u to treasure yur parents and etc.Yur dad dote on u ..and yur mum too ... and i guess if something is bothering u ..it might be yur grandma.I seem to be strong in the outer face but well deep inside i guess i m shit, a person who is stupid, dumb to action. But i have an loving heart juz for u and prepare to walk down the road together with u ... maybe the one being native is really me ...know how to advise people and etc but me, hmm nthing but useless but devotion to u.I was so happy when we tend to play together on the bed ...toking abt planning, and love with u is so great and i drop tears most of the time.I never really expect much, even the moment of happiness is so little but i will remember it ...coz it come out truefully from the heart .. and whereby unhappiness is juz a moment of folly and ignorance that carry us away... anger is a bad character that give us human.But the heart is true and that is so great for me that it make us sensible after that.The ablum i really wana make it complete then give it to u as a surprise but i worry i have no chance anymore ... it really show me my paitent and my love for u ... remember every single things and bad things ... to change the bad tings and to make things better.Maybe i may not be mature but i guess ... i really treasure u with a mature mind which i willing to forgo and scarifice to make things happen ... and not allowing yur bad nature to make things worst.At times thing happen cause we care, well we cannot deny that... tinking positive in another way y that y this, it all start with a reason of loving each other.
Well hope u dun get annoy of wat i m writing .. i juz writing how i feel now .. and i m really wana chase u back and to show u to prove u ...i belive the jean now is juz tired and maybe numb from me, but will never 4get the things between us if she is cool to tink.... from the eye and things that we go though ... i belive u will never 4get too and the word we say to each other ... making love with u is not to satisfy desire but to feel u in me and the love .. which melt me and touch me ...
well enough of my rubbish ..do rest early ya .. if can ..can i meet u for dinner tmr ..as in tuesday i guess ... at jurong .. Even as a friend now .. i dun wana c u unhappy but well this stupid james juz dun understand certain point and so afraid of losing u .. Pls ..sincerly asking u ..give me time to show ..
Loving U James.

To someone whom i care as a friend now ...
Was really unhappy to c yur msn intro, keep wondering what went wrong for u.Even for me to think abt u, or not toking abt for me chasing u back.
I guess u really need to reflect hard and not keep taking things for granted, at times society and enviroment dun allow u to do so.Ever think over the years wat have u do and wat have u achieve and change.You always feel that u r right and never wanted to tink hard and giving things up easy, i m not saying for me.Example birthday is a gd example, yes true birthday is meant to be happy but have u think y i did that, guess u did not, coz it leave u a bad impression.Do u remember the first time u pass out, at that moment i was so lost, duno wat to do, all i know i got a feel that u r leaving me alone in this world, i was scare, i worry for u ...i worry something bad happen to u, do u know the feeling is very terrible, is like someone gona leave away for good.Even i was so angry that day, coz i care and worry but well u juz stick to yur own thinking.
i did all this coz i love u, fine even not being together. but well tink abt yur own character, enviroment, and look around and see hard. Not living in yur own little world not listening to others, but able to dignouse, disgest and think, why this happen, why that, why they do that, not keep blaming on anyting.If i m so that imature to u, and dun sound resonable then wat make u to be so iggnorance
i except for wat i m but u never except for wat u r .. Jean, pls do reflect and think. Even as a friend to u, i m advising u. I might be wrong, not in the position to say u but well its all facts...take care. I be using time to wait and show u. Always be by u when u need me. Remember not to drink so much and smoke, coz of yur weak heart and go c doc soon when u take yur pay, dun anyhoe spent.
Tell me who really understand u and dare to say u to know wat u did ... and to remind u.Even i duno wat u want, but as yur on yur character, i m judging and see as a facts of wat is happening.
Like example, u r sick, yes i may not did my part.Well i not saying for me, i juz wana u to aware, r u really that sick that u cannot work, well think hard.If u have work long enough in there, i guess it be ok for once awhile, but well u juz started work, and u saying its a nice company, nice people around and well r u taking it for granted at times.And if u r the boss, wat will u tink.
U say u keep worry this and that, afraid of this and that, well so far didn't i use action to show and prove...doing things that both of us doing together is kind of action.Doing up things, toking abt future is to show...as time as the judge.
Dun i worry as well and everytime have to think for the path and road to walk ? having u always in the piority and a factor to move around ...
Doing things never tink of the result u might get at times or even to bother and to think for other people... u love to compare ... u can be very calculative to certain things, u never think hard for each single things that u tend to do, at times so rush ...
But well to me all this, hmm which person dun particularly have abit of all, but most important, do we ourself know and tend to reflect and not blaming in the end.
U say things dun come easy, treasure it before u lost it... well think for abt u yurself ..
I m speaking in general as a friend to u now ... as a person who love u deeply ...a person who willing to guide u along .. and change for the better ... not as a person who is angry and hot temper now whom is upset abt u saying not to waste time on her.Still i belive the Jean i know, whom we seat together toking abt the future and planning, whom we love to tickle so much and playing ... she is juz tired now but i belive she will think hard after that.
Love u.

06th July
Hi,
I wana so much to say how sorry i m, i been worrying for u, wonder what u r doing.
You mean the world to me.... filingl the soul within me.... Without you my love, My heart impedes the life in me….
I’m sorry I hurt you... I’m sorry I caused you pain……
I'm soo sorry. I love you soo much, its "ungodly." You mean EVERYTHING to me. There is no denying that. I know I have been a REALLY BIG IDIOT these past one month, but Please Please dont let that ruin everything we have. I can't imagine my life without you in it. I'm sorry I blow things out of proportion out of nowhere. PLEASE FORGIVE ME!
I know things were not always perfect with us, I dont know if there are relationships out there that are perfect. I just want to let u know that I truly appreciate the time that we had together I've learned a lot, sacraficed a lot, and most importantly experienced Luv a lot. I want to thank u for being patient with me when I was being unbearable. Again I thank you, And always know I will Luv u, I know ive made some mistakes in the past... but from this day forward i vow to show u how much i love you and how much i really do appreciate having you in my life....I promise to make things right because i dont want to lose the best thing that has ever happened to me...
I love you with all my heart . I'm sorry for the way that I act sometimes but no matter what or how I act I'll always love you because it's just impossible for me not to... I think that you and I are meant to be and we are just stuck with one another like u say u gona stick with me no matter wat.
I'm sorry for the way I am, I'm sorry for the way I treat you. I pay for hurting you everytime I do and I'm so sorry. I want to treat you with respect and make you a happy wife one day. You are my future and my life. Please give me the chance to prove that I can be a better person and With your help I can be. i know sorry is just a word, but for what it's worth I am very sorry for everything. You caused me pains too and I'm really confused about everything. I much want things to be stable and that you get all the time you need to make your decision. I love you so much and never will I think that I can forget you....
I been thinking shd i send to u ..I came across an article ..so juz wana share with u ..I been so nagging and well like a pest coz i wana make u have a clearer mind and picture to see thing instead at this point even not for u to come back to me but at least i understand that u have really see and understand ..
I wana use time to change for the better and to show u ..to make changes because i want it to be.Having u being a catalyst for my improvement, i always wana stress that and make certain things to u understandable, that it is me who is doing it even that u were not around, i wana show u my sincerity to u ... coz i say times again that i really truely love u.
I know i have alot of soul searching to be done, just wana let u know that i take everything seriously, and are working on handling these problems.

7th July
Heh as much as i miss u and wonder abt u ... i hope u realize my heart for u .. i always be there for u when u need me, watching u from afar ...For yesterday's memories, today's love, and tomorrow's dreams I love you ...I loved you once, I love you still, I always have, I always will...The road to true love was never easy, I know I've hit all the bumps, but now I'm standing strong saying, I love you, 'til the end of time."
Remember to take care of yurself, dun smoke and drink so much for yur weak heart ..

8th July
It been a week, a really not easy week for me, at times i really hope a third party can make u understand or juz tok to u, i never ever sided with me myself even when i tok to ck, maggie , as u knew maggie never side with me one even she knew me longer, all i ask is the see everything in a fair manner, having a clearer picture. U might dout my love and wat i say 4 u .. all i can say time to prove and show my sincerity.Pls do take care yurself, do remember to find work, and don't drink so much. I really hope that one day u will understand my love for u and wat i willing to do for u .... The door to our own little hut always open 4 u, everything will still remain the same juz 4 u, never ever my temper like last time.I really at times thought to end everything, but i really can't bear to leave u, or to see u, really trying real hard to stand, i pray for u and me, hoping that u will understand, giving me the strength to hold on to u and stand up again.Seeing u yesterday, i feel real hurt, it look so fake maybe that is the real u but all i ask is to treasure u yurself and not drink so much, i knew u have yur limit but i guess i m still worry, i knew yur frd will send u back home, he is a nice guy, even promise to send u back safely and even sms me when he send u home.I knew i cannot face u yesterday but i wana show u that i can, my heart is always be with u ...Me James Tan will always Love u, be there for u, the heart for u always be the same for u ...
Signing off ... YUrs sincerity Ultranman