On The 07/07/06

Well a sad night for me, had a drink too much that day i guess.
Was at WOW and well i knew she is there ... when i c her, my heart was already crying but i try to be cool with it, drinking, smoking and keep seeing her with a small angle ... then when i was abt to drop tears, i walk out and then CK came along and ask me to go for a walk, well we talk for long, regarding wat happen and etc, he tend to advise me but it really turn a deaf ear, that night i really make up my decision that i will make myself drunk and then i will juz end it .. stupid, selfish, YES but well i can't and cannot.
Till we left WOW, we went to look for my Mei Veron, and i juz told them if really something were to happen to me one day, pls do let her aware and i m not blaming her and i juz cry like nobody business.
At the same time feeling bad, coz i knew CK and Maggie wana go off already but they wana leave me alone there, i really thx them for wat they r doing, but i told them again, its not anyone fault, its juz me who is weak, all the while i never tend to cover for wat i do wrong or i tink is wrong or will never tend to blame it on her .. as i say again, i belive in love ....
They try to wake me from my sense heh guess i really do know everything but why, coz i love her ? i love her more then me ever to treasure me myself, then well Veron scolded me, saying during her that time i will scold her but y me now like this, alot things sound so familiar when i tok to her coz its like me using it on her that time.
Then i recieve a SMS saying that i have send her home, well a nice senior friend of hers.
And then i went on drinking till 6am in the morning ...sad, patheic indeed.
When i see her at WOW drinking, i guess deep inside her she really wana forget everything from the way, action she do and etc but to me its never the real her.

I feel really heart pain seeing her like this, till even CK keep asking me to go and i say i juz wana do my part, but CK told me JAMES ITS NOT YUR DUTY ANYMORE ...maybe she really dun love me anymore but i still love her.

And well another day being bless ... i still ALIVE, still tolding me myself to wake up .. hopefully i can carry on watching her by 1 side, praying for her, secretly in my heart loving her.