After SO long ..well lots of new frds recently :) and well ...

It been awhile since i last blog i guess .. kind of feeling emo now duno y .. juz feel uncomfortable ba ..

Hmm but well glad to know alot of close frds .. at times the love they shower me really keep me going .. but of coz at times i m disappointed with certain things as well ..
At times joining wg ..really make me feel so old .. the metatily and thinking is really so different .. but well juz hope to contribute and it a better place .. i guess after all its my passion to be to do all this things ...

Werid feeling recently after someone did hint me something .. but well i guess i dun deny the feeling otherwise too .. but well i juz find something not right .. coz saying is one ting at times but i dun really feel it or m i blind or i expect too much ..

My current job well more and more no mood to continue .. i guess i need to do some sorting and maybe i will resign ...

Hmm i miss alot of people .. haha my close peeps in nightlife too ... but glad we r still in contact over phone ..

Now i really glad i m doing something i like in wg .. but at the end of the day i guess some people juz duno how to differentship in terms of work and friends .. young peeps really young .. their metality is really not there to function as wat it is to be ...

As for r/s as i mention earlier .. well i duno .. maybe i expect a little more ba .. or i m worry i guess ...

As for friends .. heh i do have some really new close friends .. and i m glad at times they r there for me ... and not to 4get i tink abt time i need to have some time for me myself and my other friends too ..

Haiz. .all the sudden no mood to type .. if not i will bla bla bla and type so fast dun even know wat i typing .. anyting on my thoughts will be here keke cya

End of year 2006 ...

I guess when coming to the end of every year .. we tend to reflect wat we went though and etc ... so well its really a bad year ..
Happy for one of my close friend Michelle and ye she finally getting out of the stupid r/s haha .. well m i bad .. not really i guess .. well the guy sucks ..she deserve someone better ...

Happy night i guess but in the end i turn moody again after having so much drinks i guess .. happy coz some catching up with michelle .. mavis ... jiajia and my mei veron .. and some other new friends at pub drinking ...

Well mavis is juz like me .. guess we 2 always end up the wrong path .
Was at pub coz they r celebrating someone birthday ..but not really a great turn out and celebration i guess .. everyone change .. but i m glad to have a few close one will do ... the rest is really too untrueful and well wearing mask haha .. i hate it .. turning moody as the song is getting ssadder ..having more drinks ... in a way i feel kind of sad for my ex ... juz wondering when will she really realise and grow up .. to settle down for wat she wan ... maybe i do miss her i guess .. or missing the other one .. the other one worst .. giving up ... taking me for granted ..haiz guess its another wrong one i met ... a pity to give up or shd i use time to show .. i guess i have really done my part ...

For me reflecting this year ... r/s is bad ... job wise ..hopefully a new start ..
did i change to a better man ? heh duno .. well i tend to find myself better if compare to other guy to be which i known i guess .. hopefully i find a new motivation .. for the upcoming year .. wishing for a better year .. till now .. well is it so hard to fullfill it ...

I sure continue to stay positive i guess ... at the same time awaiting .. i tink i shd really migrate my blog and change the stupid title lol ... well thats all folks ..

Hmm M i Still Lost ...

Hmm well glad that my new job is kicking off ... feeling of her is not as much as it is used to be .. Only at times when I drink too much .. I feel sad ..But well maybe not becos of her ..But coz I m feeling bad of my life .. Always end up at the wrong path ... heading to another stupid exit ...

Well current job, I guess I cannot job hop anymore even though I dun really enjoy it ... another politic place I guess ..

Recently was having a talk with a friend and well was reflecting badly on my life .. Feeling stupid and regretful in a way I guess ... how I wish few years back I m much mature having my current thinking .. If so I would be damm rich ..Still driving a car ...but I guess if I never go though all those things, maybe for now I m still playing around and etc and so I start thinking abt people character and life .. When I was still driving and etc .. Almost everyday I have a date .. almost everyday I m out at nightclub having fun, clubbing away and etc ... money really can drive a person up crazy and well r those really happiness to be ...something which we really feel happy from our heart ... does people really so realistic and fake to be ..

Is the environment around people tending to change a person view so easy .. And talking abt relationship, do each and everyone know what they themselves are looking for ..
Why can't people be satisfied in away or so .. Be trueful ..

I guess I really change alot over the years ... really like seeing though everything in life .. But being a good man always ends up the same .. Nothing seems to be in the right way ... and I always end up being unhappy ..Or I always expect and hoping things to be too fast to get ..

All I wan now is someone who can spent half of my life with .. Someone whom I can dote and love .. And been satisfy and acting as a motivation in my life ... in away to be satisfied ..having simple life I guess ... meaning to learn to enjoy life in a more loving way and etc ... learn to enjoy the freshness of air when u take a breathe in and say ..Heh its sweet ...

M I really thinking too much at times or am I really been too sensitive ..But at times I just find the feeling not right .. Recently met a ger .. A nice ger I would say ..Good character ..Straight forward .. But something not good is .. Well I hate it when I m being stood up, not about being stood up, its just that the feeling u see ... looking forward for something but at the end .. Feeling disappointed .. And to me I m those emotion type of person ...well ya .. I wana take a step forward to understand her more but well the feeling she gives me at times .. Dun really makes me feel to ask thing abt her or I would say I don't even have the chance to ask ..

hmm well let nature take its course I guess ..but also need to be a starting point somewhere too .. I guess the feeling of everyone or the approach is different to each and every one of us I guess .. argh well I guess I m bothering too much ..

But hopefully it is a good start..

緊記: 所有事也是因果循環的

Well every single tings happen for a cause ... well so that to earn something gd in return ? hopefully as the title say.
Well going to be 4 month without her, how time past ... well still kind of lost and no motivation for sure but at least now consolation do work better for me now, told myself to get back wat i lost, or i guess i juz wana prove something out there .. that i can live without her and well maybe hopping for another miracle to happen ... i really duno ..nuts abt anything for now .. but i do know i wana gain back my confident and the thing i tend to lost to provide maybe a better life for me or even for my family ...
Sadly recently all unhappy things coming one by one, and it really sadden my heart, blaming the sky and earth and etc la ...why this why that .. what did i really do wrong ... i really realize till today, being trueful and being good don't really gain me anything but maybe a clear heart, but well human r selfish by nature, at the end of the day, we do hope for at least some rebate and returns .... be it friends or anything ... i really guess i have become more self center, hopping to gain more attendtion and etc in way .. lonely sign i guess .. or well i guess i bottom too many things in me myself ...
And to make thing worst, i really do miss her, i have so much to tell her and how bad i need her to be by my side, i always day dream, sitting by my sofa and then i see her appear on my doorstep, heh native ....
For now, i really hate to take the first step, always be the one to start, always be the one to care, to concern, to be trueful and etc ... and guess writing is the only thing for me now to bitch and complain and at the end of the day, who knows, who care ... Zzzz
For once in writing, i can behave like a small kid to throw my temper and juz write watever things is on my mind ..... but back to life, i know i will always be the Nice Guy to be ... a satisfy Guy to be ... seeing life, being though the worst stage, always tinking, always being senstive .... and to know wat i really wan in life.
But well guess thats me ... but i really feel so tired and when i will deserve wat i wan ....
I know wat i wan as my MSN nick say .. i will get back wat i lost .... i will work hard for my future to be .. holding her in my memories and heart ....always wishing her, praying the best for her always ...

May eveyone be bless with all the good companions in life ...

Hmm i duno wat i writing also ... lol well to be continue and explain once i figure that out on my life then ...

Well after 3 month of breakup ....

Heh been not updating for the past 1 month, i been hiding away, hibernating ..i thought i gona be better, but well guess not, every night i shed tears for her, thinking of her ... and wonder how is she .. is she happy ? is she fine ? but guess everything is none of my concern ....

Past few week, i happen to see her, she was having coffee with her husband and friends, and well i juz walk past, its really heart breaking for me ... but maybe glad to say she is doing fine and living happily, at least this is the best i can do for now to see her happy and fine.

Then few days ago i recieve a mail from someone whom i dun even know who ...

As below : --------------------------

From : Retribution RN
Sent : Monday, October 2, 2006 4:18 AM
To : James Tan Meng Shiong
Subject : RE: JEAN'S BETRAYAL & YOUR RETRIBUTION- A DEAR JOE LETTER

| | | Inbox


Sorry dude if I hurt you even more by letting you read that pathetic letter. But dude, Its time to let go of her. She is not worth it at all. She did it to her husband, she did it to you. One day she will get her retribution. Now u know that she have been betraying you.


James Tan Meng Shiong wrote:

u r ? why send this to me ... haiz ..

>From: Retribution RN
>To: tanmengshiong@hotmail.com
>Subject: RE: JEAN'S BETRAYAL & YOUR RETRIBUTION- A DEAR JOE LETTER
>Date: Fri, 29 Sep 2006 09:02:08 +0800 (CST)


>From: "joe tay"
>To: retributionazn@yahoo.com.sg
>Subject: FW: RE: ....
>Date: Fri, 29 Sep 2006 00:59:38 +0000

>>From: "joe tay"
>>To: jeanpen@singnet.com.sg
>>Subject: RE: ....
>>Date: Wed, 24 May 2006 13:43:06 +0000
>>
>>Jean,
>>
>>
>>Please get your feelings right 1st before you say all these.
>>
>>
>>I heard from others that you and james had broken up or maybe on the
>>verge of breaking up.
>>I dun wish to know cos its not a concern to me anymore.
>>
>>
>>I just wanna concentrate on my own company and my job at the moment.I dont
>>wish and also dont have the time to talk about relationship now.
>>
>>
>>If you said you still miss me.Why must wait until now then you say it .
>>Why is it that everytime when you and james or other guy had ended your
>>relationship then would u think abt me?????What i am to you???
>>
>>I feel so ashamed of myself whenever i see those married couples on the
>>road....
>>
>>I would ask myself that why heaven would treat me this way???
>>I was given a wife but he took her away and put her into others people
>>arms.
>>Why i cant have a blissful marriage?????why cant i live till old with the
>>woman i love most?????why my wife would treat me this way after what i had
>>done for her.why???why????why????
>>How am i going to tell my relatives,those long time no see friends what
>>had happened btwn me and my wife?????
>>
>>
>>I can admit that i still do have feelings for you and whenever i pass by
>>any place we went before or do what we had done before i would still
>>think of you.
>>But whenever i think of all those pictures u had taken with nightlife
>>people and james my heart sunk down way below...........
>>
>>
>>Even before the night i went to sign the separation deed i cried while
>>looking back at those photos we took last time.But i managed to muster the
>>courage to go down and sign the papers rthe next day.Sam, my lawyer
>>assistant is a very nice guy,he told me not to take it too hard and carry
>>on with my life.

>>Please take my advice seriously... what u really need to do now is to get
>>a stable job asap and settle down your heart. And search through your
>>heart and soul who u really want and what u really want in your life so
>>you can work hard to acheive your goal.
>>Like i said before there is no free meal in this world....and always
>>belive there is a karma in everytjhing we do.
>>If not eventually after 10 yrs or maybe even more you will still be back
>>to square one.

>>I really had no wish to think abt relationship now.I had alrweady lost a
>>totally defeat to marriage and i cant afford to lose again.
>>If u wanna call me out,i am ok with it but provided i am free if i am not
>>meeting my clients or running projects.
>>
>>
>>Regards
>>
>>Joe

>>>From: Jean Chen
>>>To: smokingjoe23@hotmail.com
>>>Subject: ....
>>>Date: Tue, 23 May 2006 13:09:18 +0800
>>>
>>>Hi Joe,

>>>Just keep this between you and me.

>>>I don't know why am I sending you this email. I just want to say what I
>>>am
>>>feeling inside.

>>>Up till today, I still miss you. I think of the happy moments we spent
>>>together and things we go together.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>I don't know what you feel about me now. I don't know if you still have
>>>feelings for me. I don't know where I am heading to. Things seems to be
>>>in
>>>the opposite from what I think it should be. I have the urge of hugging
>>>you.
>>>But I know I couldn't.

>>>I don't know what is the feeling I had for you now. I'm lost.

>>>Regards,

>>>Jean

-----------------------------------

Hmm i m curious to know who is it .. and well worth or not worth it ... is it important whereby feeling is concern ...
I still belive in her for once she did really love me, even not .. i guess it make me feel better ....

BUt at the same time, i feel like a play thing, a fool to be ... haiz ironic life to be ...

Well this is what i send to her after i recieve it ... as below :
--------------------------------
Hmmm,

Well ...sending this to me make me feel more like a play thing to be ? or to make me more miserable for what of my feeling for you.

Reading this, well i have the same though as wat Joe say too, u don't know wat u wan, well and to me matter of hearts really saden and broke me heart deeply for u, till today, i still miss u ....

Still u shd figure out of what u want .... i still figure out who send this to me but well i guess its not important anymore ... wats done is done ... for the future seek to be for you or me ... i guess i only can kept u inside my memory to be ... as for u, well i told u alot of things and maybe u can try to tink back for u yurself to be and yur happiness ... wishing u the best ...

For once we being together, i still wana the best for you ... but well i still wana say ..i still miss u too ...

Same here, from yur mail u send to him, heh MAY ! Zzzzz i also duno why m i sending this back to u, maybe an excuse for me or well i duno ..... my feeling for now is like wat Joe reply u ...
Heh this is damm funny i guess ..... fate come fate goes .. fate give me the chance to meet u and love u before ... fate goes away give me the chance to pray and bless u a aside ... wishing u ...

But i guess this letter sending to me heh ... haiz .. well take it as its my lost and i never make use of the chance ba ... and well guess i m juz not gd enough to be .. for time is the most a human will
treasure and not waste ...

Love James ....

-----------------------------------

M i foolish or m i really plain stupid to be ... i know its really stupid to keep on holding to it, i wana wake up too but i can't, i juz really love her too much to be ... to be together ornot i guess its not the main thing to be for now, for love that last 4ever is 4ever already in the heart .....

Sian ... rotting my life away ..

Heh everyday been so miserable .. so free, nthing much to do or well no heart to do.
At night worst .. well been drinking for the past few week and well this week guess till weekend ..
Getting better but i still miss her alot, still drop tears for her .. i knew she is doing good .. for all i care .. there is nthing else i can do .. juz letting time to show .. and i knew i m not going to earn anything from there ...
Work wise as usual, taking off now and then, clearing leave and soon out of job to be .. hope this time will not take too long for me to stand up ... i began to hate myself and her .. but i know its all in me ..for loving her ..
... getting not much of effort to bitch ..getting so tired in my life, acting like none of the thing exist or happen is never possbile ..
I wish someone can lead me on .. guide me along and pull me away from all this .. well maybe because its me ... Zzz

I miss her like crazy ....

Well juz back home, having some drinks and well shower over the rain ...
Longful day today, one of my friend came over frm netherland and well so a few of us show him around, kind of bad host i m i guess, coz i m not feeling the right mood, my mind really been occupy by her now and then ...
Well fetch him from airport, bring him go change money, then meet up with more kids ... nice seeing hatezz after so long too ...eat then went lanshop, playing SG, well some get scolded by me for bad gameplay, heh something for me to release my stress on, for the whole day, i juz feeling damm moody but well to show up a cheerful me ... then went to find my Mei over the pub she working at, well scolding from her again ... heh nice seeing elton there too ... heh even he knew nthing but well he say as a guy point of view he can see i dote on her alot, maybe at time its juz my way of approach ... being over caring for example ...
Well all i can say all i ever do, is juz love her wholeheartly ....
But how i wish i be the perfect guy in her eye ... but time dun allow me to do so ...
I still miss her every night, smoking my life away, dropping tears ..seeing at her picture ... having stupid thoughts, soon i gona have a depression ...

After pubbing, bring my friend go geylang supper, then walk him around red light district ... eye opener for him i guess ...

Well for now .. nthing on my mind but her ... i feel like bitching so much juz to take my mind off her .. but no matter how .. my life seems to be control by her ... i dun understand wat the hell i did wrong, wat the f i deserve all this ...

I feel so useless in me, y i can't juz wake up ... i knew wat everyone gona say, all even advises ... but i juz can't take her off ...

Heh never ever in my life, i found someone whom we tok abt the future ..planning .. but why ... even the time is short, but i m really putting in my effort ... haiz .. i m really going nuts and well maybe it might be better ..to juz brain wash everything .. but no matter wat .. the heart pain will still be there ...

How i wish i can tell her now that i love her ... i will love her every morning she wake up ever and after ... for now again i can only bless and pray for her for her well being and happiness ..

ps: I love u Jean ..