Sian ... rotting my life away ..

Heh everyday been so miserable .. so free, nthing much to do or well no heart to do.
At night worst .. well been drinking for the past few week and well this week guess till weekend ..
Getting better but i still miss her alot, still drop tears for her .. i knew she is doing good .. for all i care .. there is nthing else i can do .. juz letting time to show .. and i knew i m not going to earn anything from there ...
Work wise as usual, taking off now and then, clearing leave and soon out of job to be .. hope this time will not take too long for me to stand up ... i began to hate myself and her .. but i know its all in me ..for loving her ..
... getting not much of effort to bitch ..getting so tired in my life, acting like none of the thing exist or happen is never possbile ..
I wish someone can lead me on .. guide me along and pull me away from all this .. well maybe because its me ... Zzz

I miss her like crazy ....

Well juz back home, having some drinks and well shower over the rain ...
Longful day today, one of my friend came over frm netherland and well so a few of us show him around, kind of bad host i m i guess, coz i m not feeling the right mood, my mind really been occupy by her now and then ...
Well fetch him from airport, bring him go change money, then meet up with more kids ... nice seeing hatezz after so long too ...eat then went lanshop, playing SG, well some get scolded by me for bad gameplay, heh something for me to release my stress on, for the whole day, i juz feeling damm moody but well to show up a cheerful me ... then went to find my Mei over the pub she working at, well scolding from her again ... heh nice seeing elton there too ... heh even he knew nthing but well he say as a guy point of view he can see i dote on her alot, maybe at time its juz my way of approach ... being over caring for example ...
Well all i can say all i ever do, is juz love her wholeheartly ....
But how i wish i be the perfect guy in her eye ... but time dun allow me to do so ...
I still miss her every night, smoking my life away, dropping tears ..seeing at her picture ... having stupid thoughts, soon i gona have a depression ...

After pubbing, bring my friend go geylang supper, then walk him around red light district ... eye opener for him i guess ...

Well for now .. nthing on my mind but her ... i feel like bitching so much juz to take my mind off her .. but no matter how .. my life seems to be control by her ... i dun understand wat the hell i did wrong, wat the f i deserve all this ...

I feel so useless in me, y i can't juz wake up ... i knew wat everyone gona say, all even advises ... but i juz can't take her off ...

Heh never ever in my life, i found someone whom we tok abt the future ..planning .. but why ... even the time is short, but i m really putting in my effort ... haiz .. i m really going nuts and well maybe it might be better ..to juz brain wash everything .. but no matter wat .. the heart pain will still be there ...

How i wish i can tell her now that i love her ... i will love her every morning she wake up ever and after ... for now again i can only bless and pray for her for her well being and happiness ..

ps: I love u Jean ..

IF life is juz a click away to control ...

Heh well weekend over, hmm still on leave, gona admit that life really not been easy without her, i still pin for her every single min and secs, wondering how is she doing.

If life is juz a click, well juz like the recent show, it teach us to treasure wat we have and not to take things for granted but not well i wish life will juz be like that show, does all good man deserve a break and a 2nd chance ? maybe i m not that good afterall i guess.
Well watching the show, really make me drop tears and tend to reflect, me juz being too emotion as always.
Haiz my heart still feeling pain as ever, i guess i m really getting depression soon, i keep having stupid thoughts and i wonder how long m i gona last till i get better. WHy ?

Idle all the way, staring at the wall, looking up the sky, asking for an ans, and well and wat i get is an ans which i guess i never tend to achieve.

It been 1 month 1 week, will tend to take 10 years or more juz like the show to wake up and realise what i have been missing in life, guess not, maybe for now i have no idea how to move on yet.

If the day i start to writing somthing better on this, i guess it be the time i have really wake up.

I did three things today; miss you, miss you, and miss you

Haiz Y m i so idiot, so many thoughts in me, so many wondering, i feel so unhappy, moody .........

I heard someone whisper your name, but when I turned around to see who it was, I was alone. Then I realized that it was my heart telling me that I miss her that much ...
haiz m i getting myself into such patheic state, finding for pityness ?
But i cannot deny me feeling, my thoughts ...

"I miss you like the sun misses the flowers, like the sun misses the flowers in the depths of winter, instead of beauty to direct it's light to, the heart hardens like the frozen world which your absence has banished me to."

Heh i came across the above mention quote, it really describe me ...

I don't want anyone to know, so I try to be strong. I don't want her to think that without you, I can't go on. But that's how it is, and that's how it will be, because,I love her, I need her, I miss her, and without her, there's just no me, why must i be in this way, why .... miserable ..Zzz

Pain ..ye heart pain .. well at least i feel it and i knew i m still alive ... lol
Have you ever cried your eyes out until all the tears in this world have dried, not dropping tears that often and yet the sourness and pain in your heart still hasn't gone? That's when the person causing me the pain is the only one i ever loved ?
Or i m juz pain selfish ...
When love leaves our heart,i always have hope. Hope is what keeps my sprits alive and makes it easier on me i guess, because it's better than the truth ... haiz

Guess bitching is all i can do for now to make me feel better. Zzz

Unhappy .. haiz

Y is it like my own problem, i feel so vex, well worry for her too.
I really really find myself damm stupid, m i ?
Expect me to be understanding, but does she know understand how i feel.
Hearing this hearing that, i dun really care i guess, coz i knew i love her no matter wat lie beyond it i guess.
Out of 10 people, 10 all say i stupid ... i wana complain, take my thoughts off and etc but at the end of the day i already have the ans in my heart.
Be it for i m helping her for she might maybe use it for the wrong cause or some other reason which is not worth for me at all, and still i choose to take the path.
She sound like i m owning her, it really break my heart for she dun seems to understand anyting at all, why ? M i really so native, being taking for granted of my weakness ?
There is so many why but at the end of the day, i choose to be stupid.
I take all trouble, well forseeking my face to ask and well i guess she will not even understand anyting at all and how many tings i have done juz for her.
Kill me if there is really someone willing to help ....... haiz

Irony Life ..

Hmm i notice i m being in a confuss again, well yesterday thought i can c her, i was kind of happy and was really hopping for something, and i even plan for something but guess in the end, she never came.
I really duno wat m i doing, i find my life being in control by her.. but well at the end of the day, its still me.
Well communicate via sms, knowing that she is helping her grandpa and etc, heh at times i really can't help putting myself in her shoes and wonder.
Well juz recieve sms from her, well i knew i will and i did help her with the req she want. Heh but at the same time, i juz can't stop wondering is there anyting happening to her, but well she told me she dun feel like saying, personal matter, well fine.
And well then my friend told me, i m spoilting her, and say maybe its for other purpose too, lol.
But for what i know her, i guess well she not really working now, and maybe i tend to know .. i know my heart told me that in watever things it is, i will go all means and way to help her, be there for her, but my brain tend to tell me i m stupid in a way and make my thoughts run wild ...

Will Time prove my love and cement my place in her heart forever. For time will give me the credibility and the believability that I need to convince her to want to spend the rest of her life with me, well i wonder am i worthy of such a commitment.

Hmm everything seems so the KNN Zzzzz