MOnday Blues ...

Well was back office, clearing stuff, then idle .. well boring, nthing to do, thinking of her, sending her an e-card.

It's not easy saying this to her i guess. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But well she dun even knew it, if i have a choice, i rather me alone be unhappy, I want her to know... I wish her strength, when times are hard. I wish with all my heart you find just what you're lookin' for. I wish her joy. I wish her peace, and that every star you see within your reach,I wish you still loved me.

The thought of her is constantly occupying my mind, but when I turn around looking, she was never found. I love her and that’s a thing I can’t deny, I think of her and a tear drops in my eye.

Love that we cannot have is the one that lasts the longest, hurts the deepest and feels the strongest, when have it, we tend to overlook and maybe take things for granted but we never realise that the love is there and causees it to happen and was never given time to make amendment.

If only forgetting her was as easy as loving her.
I have these pictures and I keep these photographs, to remind me of a time; these pictures and these photographs let me know I'm doing fine, I used to make her happy, once upon a time. I don't talk to you too much these days, I just thank that pictures don't fade. I spent time with an angel just passing through, now all that's left is these pictures of you.

They say that if you love someone you should let them go, but they never say what to do when they don't come back, lol Zzzz
Love is the hardest drug to quit, but it is even harder when it is taken away.

Heh well all the sudden thinking birthday is coming, and well if i can have a choice of present, it be her.

In watever aspect i guess i tend to know the pro and cons and knew wat i want, so well till now all advise fail on me, heh and last i get is wishes and all the best to wat i wana do :) ... cutting it short, off to smoke.

I miSs her and WOnder abt her ..

Well drunk now, not in a clear mind of state .. but i really miss her alot, and it sadden me to see her sort of unhappy, i knew she been drinking .. i wish to c her happy .. in a selfish thought, i wana her back ... but well it really break my heart seeing her in this state, well even i knew she duno wat i knew .. but well i may not know her that long but anything abt her, i never tend to forget.

I guess i juz wana do wat my heart told me, maybe i will not even hope for wat i want, but well i wan the best for her... i knew wat she is going over maybe i duno but all i knew i wana her to be happy.

Haiz ...

There will always be no ending ........

Hmm well at home everyday, singing out the blues.
Every night seems to be so slow, i would juz look at her picture, feeling the pain, dropping in tears, it don't seems to be over.
I juz cannot get her out of my mind, i really miss her alot, wondering how is she.
All is my mind is her .............Zzzz
Well what else i do, nthing much i guess, laze around, don't even have the mood to go online, just playing my PS2 .... living for the seek of passing each day, missing her.
Heh i m juz too emotion, watching the SCV drama yesterday, well abt a love story out of the passion for cakes. Well as usual ending, they r together again but well it make me drop tears, juz too touching and sweet, i wonder will i have the same, guess not.
At the moment, not bothering abt anything, not doing anything, juz wasting the time off, ye i know, useless, hopeless for me.
Things to expect in life is different for everyone and all i ask is juz to love, to dote but it juz never happen to me, and what have i do to deserve all this .. maybe i have not try hard enough.
In life, what sometimes appears to be the end is really a new beginning i guess, learning, experince is never ending, i hope so and i wana a ending of what i want.
She may not love me anymore or even wonder abt me, but i still love her and all i can do is to wish for her, praying for her.
haiz ........

Weekend over . ..

Heh now is like living my life just to miss her.
I might not be the poorest and patheic but i guess i m right now whereby come to LOVE.

Well Friday and Sat, i was drunk i guess ...
On friday it was nice seeing my friends again, but i know its just being miserable.
When can i truely laugh and be happy from my heart again ........
Hmm going from KTV to another KTV and then my colleage still wana pull me to MOMO but guess i m tired .. went home, look at her picture, thinking of the past and at this time if she is around, what will we be doing ... haiz i juz can't help missing her and thinking of her.

Every time wake up ... having a blank screen but hearding the echo of her ..gd imagination i have.
If not will just stare at the door, hoping that she will turn up.
But well i knew all this is not possible ... wondering how and what is she doing.

Heh past few days i being looking around the internet to find for some volunteer work to do, well maybe i belive in returning to the society or well to occupy myself to do some meaning full thingy.
But well just not too sure where to start up.

Heh on Sunday i was like dazzing aaway, not ansing any phone call or well maybe just wana be slient for alone.
Well feeling a deep sharp pain in my heart, i can't help crying, missing the days with her.

At the same time i be wondering is she doing fine but i guess maybe she is or well she already stated to start everything afresh, even changing some communication tools and lifestyle thingy or well just wana get me out of everywhere ...

The path to happiness is really not easy, to be satisfy is a blessing to be. Well still alive and kicking...

GEtting better ?

Well getting better? Maybe i guess but there is certain things in my heart that cannot be heal at all, it just get worst, pinning for that someone.

Heh well guess i m bored and i went to search over the internet for What is Real Love ?
I came across this webby - http://www.bayarea.net/~fonniepi/sharing/pete16.html

Interesting ....

I do have the metality of towards a long lasting r/s till forever, and so applying things which i find it healthy and logically to understand and be realistic in a way or so but guess the other party don't really understand it ... and time don't allow me to show and prove more ......

Things start to wonder around, making time seems so slow to pass.
Friends told me i being through the worst and i shd be able to understand and get over it, but well coz i m just a fool who belive love is so great that can withstand anything along the way with a sincere heart and attidude.

I wish and i wish everyday but i knew it will never be realise.
One day, some day, maybe people will tend to understand my good will and meaning.

Well rain again, it juz make my mood worst, as usual doing nthing, praying for wonders to perform.
Well flip across JobDB, edit my resume and sumit a few resume online.. well but instead i m not carrying or hopping anything, just a routine to perform for the seek of everyday living.

I can't just help being so patheic ..lol

Wallowing in Self Pity .. Patheic ..Zzz

The period of loss and pain really keep extending on to an eternity of what ifs. After spending a few weeks of wallowing in self-pity, i m really feeling so miserable.
Everything in my mind is all her ... haiz
The pain i feel right now is heart-wrenching and excruciating, but each day it will be a little less. The only true cure for heart break is time <-- heh who say that, it juz get worst .. dupz.
I m trying not to compose my own thoughts or even make them make sense - so i just write, but well even i m writing i m thinking of her.
On the other hand, i m thinking is there really something truly that special,that could be worth the wait or is she really so mean just to forget anything, the time we spent together just don't worth anything ? Zzzz
Love alone cannot make a relationship work long-term, to change, to bear to walk a longer path is what i m trying to bring out at times but well m i stubborn, don't understand or she is.
Healing my emotional damage, and find out who m i without a partner, is really calling the sky but the sky don't reply .. memories r happiness but it bring back sadness too for the seek she is no longer with me...No communication will only leave a vacant spot in a r/s.
Well quitting my job, taking a break, collecting back my feeling .. well still not that bad, still kicking and alive, struggling but well just a matter of time i guess.
But 1 thing time cannot heal, is my love and concern for her.

"Before I sleep and after I wake up and all the hours in between ... you occupy my mind. So, practically every moment of the day you are in my thoughts. I miss you."

Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met.
Breaking up is just like having the worst nightmare after having the best dream... sucks ah hmm haiz i m like wasting my time ... guess I just can't get rid of you like you got rid of me ya.

A million words wouldn't bring you back. I know because I've tried. Neither would a million tears. I know because I've cried!

And well what shd i do next ... heh well resume touch up but guess no mood yet, still drowning myself in the patheic shit i guess ....

15/07/06 2 weeks of sadness, 4 month to be.

Another day being miserable at home, heh really useless, why coz of a gal and i m like this.
I hate myself for being this way, feeling, emotion always never get pass me.
After so many years of going through so many things, status and money is not that thing that really make me happy afterall, having earning my own money, buying my own car, having an own flat, really dun make me happy afterall without someone to share it with me. Earn it, lose it before yet i m still here, but find it so meaningless, just like dragging day after day, every after each setback, tolding myself a better day will come afterall.
For everything i do, i never tend to fail others, but other keep failing me even friends except for a few.
Human r selfish afterall...or well maybe i expect too much.
All my life, i been great in treating friends and etc, but well wat do i deserve till today, and what have i really earn so far.
Who really understand me and what i want ....... being looking to the brighter side, consoling myself and well tired.
But i know if i never try to make it better, i will never know the result, maybe one day i will get what i deserve, time not ripe yet i guess.
Today well if i and her still together, it be our 4month and yet now 2 weeks after breakup and sadness, i guess no one gona pity me .......
I m not as strong as i see, i m juz a person who is full of emotion, feeling.

hmm wonder what is she doing now ... hmm well back msn, back playing my SG, well catching up with my old friends, colleage and etc.

Well hopefully i can get pass all this, and well i guess starting all over again, pulling myself into mixing with people again .. shit and that ..heh ..
True friends r hard to find, a person to understand me is even hard ...so well wat is love and wat is true friendship ........ does people ever care and ask ......

haiz ..

A day of memories

Well, nthing less still wondering abt her, and i send her a mail, all the sudden i have a thinking, since she wana be so mean and clear cut to me, so i told her i suspended the line and ask her for the payment and also the thing she purchase online, well juz wana take back the cash to pay back those i own for the bookie, well but still i cannot pass myself, i knew i will never do such a thing, but then i thought of wat my friends say the past few day, y muz i still be so stupid and etc since she is so mean to me, even as a friend, she dun ever care and act like nothing happen, love hmm .. i keep thinking of the days i m with her, her smile, her laughter, her nottiness ... the more i tink, the more pain i feel in my heart, but it bring a smile to me ... maybe to love is to let go but guess human r selfish.
Heh as usual, i expect what she reply me back, and well she do remember every single things i guess, maybe thats how some people handle things but well even as a friend, certain things might turn out well with a better approach and attidude.

But well last i say forget it, its not going to mend my heart anyway, maybe i juz wana make myself feel better in a way but its still not helping.

Then i log in nightlife.sg after so long, browsing my profile and her profile, those statement that she wrote and i wrote, everything is so sweet, so many promises ... so many people withness it, so many blessing from others... *Drop tears*
And the friend which i met in nightlife, those clubbing days ... well i really do miss it but i miss her more.

Her first entry for me on 04/04/06 :
Feeeling more and more bliss and happy. As you're become part of my life. You're my moral pillar, you can't fall.. If not, i'll fall as well.

You're always there encouraging me, give me supports, guiding me along the path we're going thru now. As you said, the path we're heading thru now is not easy, but I'm sure we can pass the test God are giving us.

I don't care what will happen in the future, but rest assure I'll always be by your side no matter what happens. You have my word.

Though this entry is very short, but it's what I am feeling inside out.... I've given you my heart, so you must really treasure it ... So do I, I'll treasure everything ... *muacks*

PS :: I LOVE YOU
PS :: Don't betray, cheat or unfaithful to me ... or I'll really collaps

On the 05/04/06:
Darling!! Missing you now badly ... Anyway, another 2 more days will be when we know each other for a month ... though it's only a month, but i feels like for a very very very very very very long time!!!

Hope you'll like the pressie i'm giving you later ... Give it to you first before i got no money to buy it and do it... keke ...

Loving you always!! *muacks*

-=*[Our story beings :: 15th March 2006]*=-

On the 09/04/06:
Darling, you always asked me what I love about you ... This is what I love about you...

I love the way you look at me,
Your eyes so bright and brown.
I love the way you kiss me,
Your lips so soft and smooth.

I love the way you make me so happy,
And the ways you show you care.
I love the way you say, "I Love You,"
And the way you're always there.

I love the way you touch me,
Always sending chills down my spine.
I love that you are with me,
And glad that you are mine.

*Muacks*

Even though I'm seeing you every now and then ... But I do still misses you badly ... Even for now [you're sleeping like a dead log! :p ]...

Wishing that you can hug me and watch tv, or even hug me when u see me walked into room wanting you to wake up...

I do admit that I was kinda throwing my temper last night... But thanks to all your assurance and understanding, and which made me cool down..

Thanks Darling for everything you did... *Muacks*

On the 10/04/06:
I can't stop myself from knowing you somewhere in Febuary 2006 ...
I can't stop myself from chatting on MSN with you since 16th Febuary 2006 ...
I can't stop myself from seeing you on Dbl O on 8th March 2006 ...
I can't stop myself from going out with you since Dbl O night ...
I can't stop myself from falling in love with you ever since ....

I can't stop myself from writing this entry ... At the same time,
I can't stop myself from missing you badly ...

Love you~
*Muacks*

On the 15/04/06:
You're mine, and I'm yours ... We're apart, not a part ..

Never will we be separated ...

*Love you always*

*Muacks*

WHich i and her 1month together.



Well She told me that Ultraman and Sailormoon will be together always.

And she say, Ladies, this gentlemen here, name James, is my Hubby.
I won't let anyone take him away from me, no one.
So, hands off from him and leave us alone.

He's my property, and I'm his assets.

We belong to each other.

Whatever we went thru now and before,
It made our relationship,
feeling for each other stronger than ever.
We promised to tie the knot 3 years later,
and I want it to happen.
I want it to realise.

So sweet hor, as i read, i cry ... really hurting.

Heh this is what i wrote to her on her guestbook:

On the 26/04/06:
Well life is full of up and down .. but without doing anyting at times, the greatest support that i can get is from you.
HUman will never be satisfy of what they have but i m satisfy of having you ... As i promise we will walk down the road together and guide u along.
Life will never be interesting and fullfilling if we dun learn ..but the greatest thing to let me learn whole heartly is u .....

"A special world for you and me
A special bond one cannot see
It wraps us up in its cocoon
And holds us fiercely in its womb.

Its fingers spread like fine spun gold
Gently nestling us to the fold
Like silken thread it holds us fast
Bonds like this are meant to last.

And though at times a thread may break
A new one forms in its wake
To bind us closer and keep us strong
In a special world, where we belong."

As mention each every single changes make us closer, stronger and loving u more ...

On the 02/04/06:
Hmm Missing u right now ...

"Whenever u seems to drift away from me, I can't help but miss u. You've grown to be such a part of me that without you life is no more than a desperate sigh. They do say love comes and goes, and to that I disagree. So, here's my hand, take it and don't let go of me."

Why do I love you? cos you are and always have been my dream since the day i fall for and give u my heart ....

On the 30/04/06:
From the first time i saw you ... u leave a bad impression to me but well i set my eye on u ....
As time goes ... i have a liking for you ....
And time goes even further for me to fall in love with u ...

The time we know each other might not be long, but fate bought us together for me to dote, to love, to treasure u ....
Path might not be easy .. but thx for giving me the chance to guide u and me along to walk together ....

For the time we being together, i shed tears and laugh from the bottom of my heart ....i know i love u deeply and may the time be the best man to judge ...
Thx for the love that touch my heart, thx for the care and concern which i have been longing for .... thx for making my day more and more worth it as the day pass ...

I might not be the one for u but i will make u the one for me for as long as i am around ... i might not be able to provide u the best but i will give in my best to make it the best for u ..to be happy ....

Immature love says: 'I love you because i need you. "Mature love says ' Ineed you because I love you.'
To the world you may be one person, but to me you may be the world.

Last but not least ... I love u .....

And also come from some other people blessing .... haiz how i wish i can turn back the cloak and freeze it there.

IF i ever have a wish now, i wish for the better of her, and happy 4ever.

I guess she will never come back to me anymore, even as a friend anymore ... but she will always be deep inside my heart always ...

And well one of my best friend Shewin's grandma pass away, and well he was quite upset, and i thought of my mum, guess life is abt treasuring and cherish, certain things need not be a must to have, but well death might be an better option out to certain things to release.
As long as one is clear to his own heart .. but as time goes, i m really tired abt it ...
Will there be miracale ?
I still wana say I LOVE HER and MISSING HER.

A really pain day

Well really a bad day, a heartbroken and pain day ...
She went back to her ex husband and well carry on to their wedding plan .. and well i feel so cheated, feel so like been making use of ... but well i do belive we love before .. treasure wat i used to have and been bless for that i have it before, not asking forever.
Its really easy say then done but well this 2 day, i really been better .. learning to let go, covering up the facts of being unhappy and sad.
Life still goes on .. and seriously its really damm hard ..very hard ..
Its the emotion, feeling that is inside hurting so much.
Biggest weakness in me ... feeling, emotion which i never get pass over the years.
Today she came over to pick up the parcel, i wish her the best and congrat her for her wedding ... and well she just turn her back on me ... that really hurt .. as she walk off, i watch at her as she walk till the end and i lose trace of her ... :(
Then i took myself a walk and smoke, well then i c her with her husband to be, she was hugging him, kissing him .. i watch till they left ... the pain in me is really cannot be describe .. and tears drop and well cry again ... haiz

The feeling of being DA FANG, is not that great afterall, worst she treat me like an stranger ...

I feel so pain in me ...

Better day ?

Hmm well yesterday, seeing her nick on msn saying "i m kicking and alive, don't bother others to ask how m i" .. i feel a sudden coldness and so mean to me, even she don't love me anymore, but even as a friend, well isn't that sound so mean like i wana her dead .. i guess i m the one better off dead.

Well some people saying due to my temper and etc, don't really deny it but only me myself really know i guess. True i use the wrong approach and etc but deep inside me i really do care for her but maybe my expression is not that great or to pass.
And i m changing .. but why not think of the thoughts behind it ... haiz maybe i m trying to find excuses as u see but NO, all i wana say no matter wat, certain things r built in me already but its the heart i m showing ..and really do changing for the better ... haiz nvm ......

Well then someone told me ye she is doing well, buzy with family stuffs, alot guy chasing her now, her ex husband ask her back and bla bla bla ......

Haiz ..sad to hear, but good to hear that she is fine well happy maybe.
It really chill me, feeling motionless, well wondering ..... people make it sound so easy to let go but guess they dun really know me well enough.

Haiz even the beast has the time of a rose till the last petal drop and me ... well m i really did so wrong, me never show ? and never have gd time and etc .. everything say wat now also useless .. all she will tell me off stop repeating .. over is over ... but she don't understand and aware of how i feel, well not her problem i guess ... this is really a wicked world.

At times i keep thinking, the Jean i knew is not like this, i know she has her own problem also but she never face it and say one ... haiz .. she maybe saying she is fine .. of course she will .. but deep inside her, she do looking for something and certain things she is not facing it and maybe dun even knew wat herself wan.

I may not know her that well .. but she do is part of my life before and now.
haiz ... continue later ..no mood .. missing her ..

Life is so uncertain, human nature is selfish afterall and love is not that GREAT afterall.

Day really getting so hard to cope as day goes by.
Well her parcel of things arrive .. heh thinking back making me sweat for cash, but well i never really do blame her, but of course will be a bit angry, human nature ma but not angry towards her, juz vex abt where to find money coz its owning to bookie, if friends still ok .. haiz ..but well i juz told her that she is not alone, any problems, both of us shd solved together and bla bla bla .... haiz

Wondering what she is doing again ... waiting for her to be online and etc .. and maybe i guess she block me but well then i see her online .. with intro .. Start My New Path, Start My new Life, starting everything from scratch... well when she was with me that time ..it say also something like that ..
Well i wana so much to msg her but well i dun dare .. haiz ..and instead asking someone else to help me msg her and ask her how is she ...
Well deep inside my heart .. i wish her to be well and good .. but my mind told me i m upset and wondering can i use time to show my sincerity ..even if i did, will she see it, will she knew ?
Well in another point, i do wana wish her the best, quietly by the side supporting her, helping her in any way she needed.
Haiz, i m really blinded by her, having a no back bone guy now.
And thinking shd i tell her that her parcel is here .. or well shd i be nasty .. haha .. well i really duno, i keep asking myself now, why m i doing something which seems impossible coz i love her ?
I pray for her well being, pray for her that she will grow up, praying for her that she will learn to understand things more if she would really wana be happy.
As a friend, i can say that with her metality she is not going to make it.
I really wana so much to do something .. and wondering why till this day she dun seems to understand ..
Does some people really seems so mean and nasty, ever think that is someone that i used to spent my life with and etc, y can't juz have a little more understanding and a passion heart to show.

Haiz i really duno ... some people might say, to end everything, might as well do it the worst so that the person will tend to wake up and carry no hope.
To me, it can really push me to a dead end and force me to die.
But i m really trying hard .. i m juz a fool who belive in love and love and nthing but love ......

Today ..

Well today, what can i say, another sad unhappy day to pass .. really getting no where and so meaningless.
Before i left, i send her another mail, as below ..

Guess u muz tink i m here to irritate u again ..
i know how much u wana have a dream for yur wedding, is have lots of guest, in a big ballroom, just like beauty & the beast. Wearing something which u design making yurself to be so elegant.

And before that, yur hubby will be waiting for u in the ballroom, and u walk down the stairs with the gown ...

I wana so much to fullfill the dreams u have, if not i will not move on ... making plans, talking with u abt it ..and talking abt commitment.

I knew u always like fantasy, fairy tales but at times i really wana u to know and realize that fairy tales need time and sincerity and a true heart to show, certain time we have to tink abt certain factor and the enviroment ..

But i always wana make u feel llike a princess ...last but not least, i begging u, pls do understand and i really love u .. pls my dear ...

This will be the last mail which i m sending to u ... i m also tired of explaining, afraid making u unhappy .. and so let yur way be not to understand ... its not that i not aware of what u wan and i m trying to fullfill it ... fantasy need planning too and its the heart and thoughts that i have for u ...

U may find it i m stupid, making u feel so irritating .. well a beast with no brain but a trueful heart for u to love ...

Take care ..

Well then i knock off from work .. inside my mind, i keep thinking of ideas and tinking abt the fantasy of beauty and the beast .. imagine i m the beast ..hmm sound stupid ah ... then thinking what i can do for her ..maybe like being a beast then in the public or anywhere telling her how sorry i m and etc ...and it just carry me away ..thinking, wondering all the way i reach clementi .. heh been quite awhile i been walking from all the way to NUH ... lol thats really damm far ..lol ..at first i thought of going jurong ... and i did ... and then i went home with my thoughts abt her again ....

And now reach home, sit down, switch on COM, check for her .. lol ..
Haiz i keep thinking abt the beast lol .. and her ...haiz ... when can she really understand wat i m thinking ... maybe this will juz be bury together with my feeling one day ...

Well time to smoke ... my dinner for tonight hmm ..no appetite again .. even my heart is going against me, lol ... mind and heart r juz not functioning too well ...

Again i wana say I miss her .. love her ..
Before i wana log off from this, heh my dad call me .. tolding me why because of a gal like that, don't eat don't work then i told him to stop coz its making me dropping tears again ... but well he keep on saying .. and in the end he say its jus a gal ...

I feel so useless .. really ..:(

Love is cruel if u ever like me ...

Well currently at work, well doing nthing as usual .. so making my thoughts run wild again.
And all i knew is i even lost the little willpower that i have to watch over her, getting to know how is she and wat she doing ...
Well, her blog gone, friendster gone ... i search for the whole morning on it, trying various combination and etc ... well tired, on my myself.
Ever love a person so deeply that is causing the life to be so miserable like me, why m i doing all this ... coz i love her ...
I really been asking why make it so cruel and hard hearted on me... maybe using a different approach showing me that she understand, tok it out nicely ..well guess all this i been repeating but i juz get nowhere ....
Do i really never show enough ? Doing a great sin that i deserve all this .... asking all this now .. and who will really let me knew the ans .. wats over is over ?
Not even a nice human side of face to tell me nicely .. James, i m really sorry ..bla bla bla ... to tell me to face reality ...
Even to just spare a min of the time to think and spare a thought for us .. be it in my shoe or her ..

Haiz i duno wat i writing also ... i can guess thousand and one excuses and reason and facts but i cannot deny my heart that i love her too deeply .. even i have to tell a lie and dishonest .. it be like giving her 12 roses, 11 real 1 fake and tell her "I love u till the last rose dies" ...

Deep into my heart breeding ...

If i never see, i will never say that ... if i never see the past of wat u have done and etc .. i will not keep repeating and say ... all i m doing now is to do my part coz i still love u ...
but do u ever think in a fairer way for both ... ever give me a fair chance to be .. a fair time frame and etc ...
u tink i dun wana let u go and have yur happy way, people say to love at times is to let go ...seeing her happy .. but do u really knew how i feel ... do u really spare a thought for me ...

>From:
>To:
>Subject: RE:
>Date: Mon, 10 Jul 2006 02:10:20 +0800
>
>Not everything have to be said and told. See it with your eyes. You
>want to say settle things as a grown up, then what are you doing?
>Sending emails to me almost everyday, telling me this and that. Move
>on please.
>
>
>>From:
>>To:
>>Subject: RE:
>>Date: Sun, 09 Jul 2006 18:08:12 +0000
>>
>>
>>If u really understand, u will knew wat to do, y can't u juz be
>>honest to me or u can't pass yurself.
>>Its not that nothing can be done anymore, even as a friend,
>>settling things like an adult see a better way.
>>If i were to keep repeating, have u really understand wat i saying
>>? not that i juz wana u back ...
>>
>>>From:
>>>To:
>>>Subject: RE:
>>>Date: Mon, 10 Jul 2006 02:04:56 +0800
>>>
>>>So what if I understands everything? Then what you want me to do?
>>>There's nothing we can do anymore. Please stop send me the emails.
>>>I really don't understand why you keep repeating and repeating the
>>>same old thing again and again.
>>>
>>>Seriously, you're getting on my nerves.
>>>
>>>
>>>>From:
>>>>To:
>>>>Subject: RE: Date: Sun, 09 Jul 2006 18:02:37 +0000
>>>>
>>>>Y muz u be so stubborn ..all i ask is juz for yur understanding
>>>>.. i been pointing out facts to let u understand ...
>>>>What have i do to deserve all this, if u were to have a better
>>>>approach and let me understand, maybe i can let this go more easy
>>>>....
>>>>I never ever wana felt to say who is wrong but to understand.
>>>>I Never cherish u ? i never change ?
>>>>I never ask for anyone to side by me or speak up for me .. but to
>>>>make u aware and understand .. and u muz be so hard hearted to
>>>>say all this to me ... wat i muz really do to make u understand
>>>>.. i never say all this point to make u come back to me but to
>>>>let u see, have a better understanding ..
>>>>
>>>>well if u were to hate me .. i got nthing to say, u may say i m
>>>>stupid, i m foolish ... coz i love u.
>>>>
>>>>If u were to have a clamer mind, clear mind, settling things in a
>>>>better manner, toking over it, it might be better or well maybe i
>>>>can take it better, wat u r doing, wats the different from
>>>>escaping and not facing it but getting irritated ...even as a
>>>>friend, u can even do yur part to make me feel better or well
>>>>talking over it like an adult .. yes u may say i m stubborn in
>>>>watever this and that, all i wan is wana have u back ...
>>>>
>>>>but well Jean, u never see the whole picture of y m i like that
>>>>........ and y r u like that ...how did a couple get together and
>>>>to be 4ever ... u may say u dun love me anymore but i still love
>>>>u ..
>>>>4ward to a better stop, as a frd y dun u juz say u juz not ready
>>>>for anyting and not commitment enough ... and for yur character
>>>>wise .. y can't juz tink in a fairer way, to take up some time
>>>>for u to tink is it so hard ... u r droving me to a dead end, not
>>>>me forcing my way in, not all guy, maybe to me, can take things
>>>>that easy, some people really do treasure certain things alot ..
>>>>at some times, giving some way, making things in a nicer way may
>>>>see a better ending, be it good or bad.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>>From:
>>>>>To:
>>>>>Date: Mon, 10 Jul 2006 01:30:55 +0800
>>>>>
>>>>>James,
>>>>>
>>>>>There's something I've always wanted to tell you. Please please
>>>>>stop send me emails. It's realy getting more and more
>>>>>irritating. There's no more love anymore. And I'm moving forward
>>>>>to a better stop.
>>>>>
>>>>>Thanks.
>>>>>
>>>>>Jean
>>>>>

Start from bottom mention all the way to my last reply to her, why things just cannot be sort out, why muz it sound so hard on me .. maybe i m really a pest but all i wan for now is to understand and spare a thoughts for it .. can't it sound nicer or well maybe me shd find a better approach to end my misery .. :(

End of Weekend .. time 22:19

Hmm wondering abt today, wat did i do ..well nthing ..like a walking zombie ..slp wake up, stone seeing the monitor then slp ...wat a day to be ..
And tmr well, early morning have to go two places, first to GMTI (Commonwealth) then to NUH ...talking abt work, really being kick around as NHG project no more .. and well another 1 more month to my contract ending with them ...honestly speaking i have no mood to work at all, well really feeling so tired ... that day when i meet up with my friend Wenjie, talking abt our life, what have we do and what have we achieve ... comparing my life with them, i really look up to them, they can do this for years and years without any goal .. talking rubbish to pass the day ...
They don't club ..seldom drink ..don't really go out ..the only place they stick around i guess is juz their work and the place they live ...
As for me .. maybe y i love her so much is cause i wana fullfill a goal together with her .. forming own family, having own kids ... and i guess this is wat i rely and looking for over the years ... and so once this thing is gone, i feel so lost so tired ...
Every now and then, i m wondering at this time where is she, wat she doing ...
And well life, i know i m not the worst but well i feel like the worst, maybe i m really someone who duno how to face the realistic, a weaker.
And weaker will tend to choose the shorter path rather to walk a longer road.
I really lost again, maybe giving myself too much expectation and pressure ...and keep repeating and asking the same question.
The price of paying for something dearly is really terrible, if she ever knew, no matter who is right or wrong .. i hope she will aware of my sincerity and i m really sorry for everything, hoping to understand certain espect of life.
Be it explanation, be it saying a word SORRY, it all come from my heart of loving her with a good intention, never ever wana break the promises, someone who is really using his heart to do it.
Whoever wrong is not important, it's good to remember that a sincere gesture can go a long way.

Maybe at times i m belittling your her communication? The tone of voice im using causing misunderstanding and invalidation. The surprising fact is that most of the time i might not even realize i m doing it, but i m really trying to improve it, i m really thankful for her understanding but time frame don't allow me to do so and why ...

For all the times, i never say the things i should have, saying things that is not suppose to say at times, using the wrong approach but there is something all the time i m showing truefuly, changing for u, is my loving heart for u ....

I MISS YOU ...............

Time now is 19:37

Dinner time and again well not eating .. no appetite ..smoking tend to be a better option.
Again i feel like writing, well thoughts abt her is every single secs and min ..

At times i m tinking, u r not really a stubborn person but y making yurself so unhappy and giving up, when i c u at WOW that night, i knew and understand what u r trying to do.
Its like shouldering everything all alone by u yurself. I know the unhappy and mistake in the past make up for the person u r now and the things u experince u r afraid.
I cannot be in yur past but for now i can say i promise to share everything with u, be by yur side. To fullfill the promises and to change for a longer path.
Its a dead end in front but there might be a cornor around filling with hope.

Hope u have a nice day ...

I send her 1 copy and i noted it down here .. hopefully one day this one be something, a memory that i treasure or a place for me to bitch ...well i do have a few in the past but well all delete away ...

So many gals i met or shd i say my ex gf, maybe can say they r the past and so can say time do heal as it goes .. but Jean, she is different, someone whom i tink after 3 years of single life, i tend to see more thing and understand wat a ger wan but guess i m wrong.
I thought i m ready, mature to see, able to guide and advise but still .....
This time may really be the last .. and maybe it might not .. but at this moment of time i m saying I LOVE HER ...and i will stay by the promises.

Today, Another Unhappy day for the SKy is Rainning like ME ...:(

The weather really chill down my heart, and yes of coz its her i m tinking.

I wonder what is she doing today again and i tink of the past few sunday which i m still with her ... maybe she be with her family or with me ... hugging each other to watch the TV .. maybe disturding each other again .. or well go do some shopping ... or maybe on the bed ...as i type i drop tears and laugh ...

I look at the PS2, look at all those movie cd that we bought, well we really yet to finish all and i stop touching those games ... even my online game ..only that day when i saw her going online and so i log in juz to feel close to her ...

Still waiting for her ...looking at the door, hopping she will walk in .... it really been days i m going back to work .. and well i also been tinking how to cope with each day as it goes ..YES i m useless, u may say but well i really do LOVE her alot and alot ...

YEs still online, and again feel like writing so here i m back again with BLOG ...
Without her in my life now .. i m like half dead, again not eating not drinking .. but wtf, y cannot die one .. even when i walk outside, i pray a car will knock me down .. well coz me dun have the guts to go die .. till the day i really cannot hold on to it i guess.

I try to tink positive, tinking of those advises, tinking of people worst then me but well i juz can't ...haiz

Can someone help me ... i m hopping ...for now i live for me myself to see the day i be back with her again, this is really 1 gd strong point for me now .. but its really going no where and chanceless ...

For now .. GOD or Anyone ..PLS MAKE Jean happy, make her with good health, bless her with everything that she deserve .. if it were to take off my expenses of anything at making her with the best, pls do fullfill it ...

The 8th Of June 2006

Wake up, first thing to check online, seeing her nick and intro, checking on her blog, checking on MENANDLADIES.org for her .... well i did see her online and then logging off the next thing for her.

I wonder wat she is doing, where she be going today, with family ? and after that ?

All the while, i keep holding on to the belief between her and me, i belive that she mean what she say and still so i m waiting for her.

Staring at her picture in my room, missing her ... loving her.
Looking for things to dirvert my thinking but i can't, in this little hut of us, there is so much thing between her and me ... after that i stare infront of the pc for hours, juz smoking and smoking ...

Then i went downstairs to buy Cigg, then i bought all the little things, tibits which she love to eat in a nice little box ....and then stare at the box should i give it to her and how ....

Time really pass slow, and still i m wondering abt her all day long, till around 1plus am, i sms her saying I miss her, do take care.

On The 07/07/06

Well a sad night for me, had a drink too much that day i guess.
Was at WOW and well i knew she is there ... when i c her, my heart was already crying but i try to be cool with it, drinking, smoking and keep seeing her with a small angle ... then when i was abt to drop tears, i walk out and then CK came along and ask me to go for a walk, well we talk for long, regarding wat happen and etc, he tend to advise me but it really turn a deaf ear, that night i really make up my decision that i will make myself drunk and then i will juz end it .. stupid, selfish, YES but well i can't and cannot.
Till we left WOW, we went to look for my Mei Veron, and i juz told them if really something were to happen to me one day, pls do let her aware and i m not blaming her and i juz cry like nobody business.
At the same time feeling bad, coz i knew CK and Maggie wana go off already but they wana leave me alone there, i really thx them for wat they r doing, but i told them again, its not anyone fault, its juz me who is weak, all the while i never tend to cover for wat i do wrong or i tink is wrong or will never tend to blame it on her .. as i say again, i belive in love ....
They try to wake me from my sense heh guess i really do know everything but why, coz i love her ? i love her more then me ever to treasure me myself, then well Veron scolded me, saying during her that time i will scold her but y me now like this, alot things sound so familiar when i tok to her coz its like me using it on her that time.
Then i recieve a SMS saying that i have send her home, well a nice senior friend of hers.
And then i went on drinking till 6am in the morning ...sad, patheic indeed.
When i see her at WOW drinking, i guess deep inside her she really wana forget everything from the way, action she do and etc but to me its never the real her.

I feel really heart pain seeing her like this, till even CK keep asking me to go and i say i juz wana do my part, but CK told me JAMES ITS NOT YUR DUTY ANYMORE ...maybe she really dun love me anymore but i still love her.

And well another day being bless ... i still ALIVE, still tolding me myself to wake up .. hopefully i can carry on watching her by 1 side, praying for her, secretly in my heart loving her.

107 Reasons y I m With HEr ..My Beloved Jean

Why 107 ... since the first day i m with her till the day we r not longer together ..I really can think of more reason to write ...

All i knew i m really sad, so sad, i really wish i can end this ... miserable ...

09/07/06 The Things That i have written for the past week ..

1st July
Guess something is wrong with me .... but i never felt so hurt till today ...to me being a couple together, bearing with each other is a must, and cause i know wat i want, is to be with u and 4ever so no matter wat wrong u did, i always give in and tink of the positive side.I never ever in my life love some so deeply like u and to commit so much in which i never do before, toking abt the furture and planning and etc. I know i tend to take things for granted at times, and my temper is like so unjustify at times but well i really know and so i prepare to change for the seek of walking a longer path, and i never ever felt bad or unhappy abt giving certain things up or even to change for the better.And well i took the wrong approach and wrong action towards u at times i guess, its not that i always wana feel right or to win, its just that i feel i have the rights to guide u along and let u know, and maybe what i feel is that u never ever think.Communication really do a bad part in us and casuing this thing to happen for today ...i guess u have been keeping all those unhappiness inside u and well causes everything to make this happen.During your birthday, well is it so important to tink of the unhappiness and have u ever think y m i like this, there is no right or wrong and most important is that wat is the motive behind it and y it happen, i love u and care too much and so this happen, i wana do so much for u and even to plan but at times financal dun allow me to do so, and i tink letting u know so that u will understand.I rather spent money for home cause i wana let u feel at home and a comfortable place for u to live in.And well most of the time i m trouble by money issues, and so i flown, like recently i really never blame u but well just feel bad of where to find the money to pay back to people, cause we already have a planning there and i feel so useless.At times i know u wana help but well guess certain pride in me dun allow u to do certain thing, and again i did explain.I m not really an unreasonable person, but guess watever things i think dun allow me to have a certain space to breathe in but deep inside my heart its all u and u ... but well too bad i m abit useless at times for not able to commit or do something for u.No matter how bad, how unhappy, y can't we think of the goal that we have in life, and to fullfill it, since day one we know its not easy, and we agree to walk down together.And well maybe like u say i m not tat mature after all, the talk that we have and everything is jus like nthing, and that really make me so sad, u r my greatest weakness, i cannot be sensible for now for the life over the past over years which i came by and guess the one whom wearing the big hat ME tend to spolit everyting i have.But deep inside sincerly, i really have change but guess i need more time.At times i know u r worry and so i use action to prove to u, as long as ur happy, i be happy.But losing u now is really too hard for me to except, i be lost and numb and causing me to do stupid thing, guess i m tired. Tired of being me.But realy i love u with all my heart, everything in my mind is juz u and u, even weather u did wrong or i wrong, its because we care for each other and cause certain ting to happen.I know wats wrong with me but i dun think if we really know wat we wan in life, this will not happen and i m changing as the days goes by.Looking at the photos and everything, i 4get everything, i did put myself in yur shoe to tink and well i guess u r tired of me and well maybe i m too stupid to understand wat i wan or well i carry myself too high, and this fall is really too hard for me to except.Thx for giving me the chance to love u once and i still holding on to the promise we made.Sorry for eveything, yur ultraman has really disappoint u .....I wana be sensible and well advising people is easy but for me now i can't cause ur my eveything and all i wana love to be to with forever... Dear, i m really changing ... waiting 4 u.Remember to wake up early and go work ya, dun nua again, good work dun come easy.Also remember to drink more water and eat also, dun be so picky.Know how to save also, dun spent on not needed thing.Also dun smoke and drink so much, take care of yur health ...learn to know wat u r doing and plan ya .. i duno wat i m writing .. i juz know i miss u alot now ..and i duno wat to do ...lost .........
Remember the analysis ..Your sweetheart is like a big brother to you. He is kind and always takes good care of you. He is a dream boyfriend; gentle and compassionate, he is completely and utterly dedicated to the girl he loves. It's easy to please him because he appreciates everything you do for him. There's no need to worry about changing yourself in any way because he accepts you the way you are. When this type of man fall in love it's going to be deep and quite probably forever.
Wat it say above is very true ... Living together tend to develop another way of love to be .. the habit and etc ..i been so long single and it has been with me all this while to ignore certain things and not use to being slping early and etc .. but over the times, i m learning and changing for the better ...
I have a weak point and its u ..i told u before and i meant every single word i say and i remember every single word u told me too ....We both agree its not easy to walk down the path ... but we r trying to make it better ...Enviroment ..stress ..money r so many things to considerate ..and wat did i really do wrong ..even if i m wrong .. i guess i dun deserve this turnout .. y not think of the positive and think y m i like this ..all this while i never ever tink whose fault ... we do say to overcome it together and to tell each other to make each other realise it ... but tinking otherwise ...other then all those .. did i ever really do wrong ... even if i m wrong ..is all my past that make me out to be ..but with u ..i m changing for the better ... being stronger ...All i ask is more time for me to show ... and to understand each other more ..imagine if we never ever live together ..all this thing will not happen afterall ...I m selfish ..i take things for granted at times ...but if u r saying i m not mature ...it be the only things that i done to be silly and the above mention things i say ...All i know is to love u wholeheartly .... if i never think and know wat i wan .. i guess maybe eariler we might even be together but i tink thats not the correct way for a r/s to be ...coz no one is perfect after all .. being together and living together is totaly different ...but i really took the time and heart to change for a longer path ahead of us ...maybe love is not that great afterall .... ...i pray really hard ... and even wish that time can turn back ... all this while .. i never even compare or to tink of the bad point or wrong u have done ... i juz tink i have to except for wat u r and along the way to let u know ... and aware .. all the while i thought 2 person in love can overcome anyting as we have the belief to be ... but ....
waiting for u ... action will show ..and time will tell ...
Since day one i set my eye on u .. i fall in love with u, when we r together, i m so happy and decide to spent the rest of my days with u ...All the while i thought to myself i be ready for a r/s and even end up for me to change for the better, i will and not at the expenses of not being happy or being force to change. I belive its for the good of me and with u around to walk a longer path and to be a gd husband to u in the future.I really put in alot effort but till today i never complain and i know i m not even near to perfect yet, but with yur word and understanding i m more glad and even told myself to learn to plan or even to pamper u and even do things that both of us can do together.I always at times tend to use the wrong approach or even worry this and that, like even to buy things for u, i will tink twice and so i m afraid that u duno so i told u .... this is me all along, i care too much and worry too much, and maybe it turn out to be bad ...The day that we go shopping together for the hse and etc ... i was really happy seeing u ... having fun along the way, toking abt saliormoon and ultraman and etc ...I know wats wrong with me ..being impaitent at certain times ..giving way off, feeling pek chey and etc, but all i have is really a true heart for u ... changing along the way.Even if u wana smoke, i will never say no to u, even to other things and coz i dote on u and i give in to u, even if i m at fault, i explain and say sorry ...u might never agree to what i say at times but even that i guess our commincation really play a bad part. I wonder is it the past of both of us tend to reflect badly in us now ...i never ever complain how bad r u or even to told to a third party, all i know i muz except for what u r and along the way to tell u and let u be aware.To me occasion seems to be at times different, and i promise to make it up even after that incident but well due to cash flow issue ... at times i find myself so useless for not able to provide u for what i tink is wat u deserve to have.Guy well certain pride and issues tend to effect in a way or so ... being not able to provide for her love one make myself really so useless.At times i thought having a little fun or even kidding at certain action is to brighten up the day or way, like example when u go back to yur parent place, i really do miss u but well i know as i stated at the first day when i m with u, to have a balance in everything and so i never tend to control at times and even make u aware of your surrounding issues.I willing to pay any price for the better of both of us to be and i never ever wana complain ...coz since the first day we r together, i set to be with u ..I always wana the best for u .... willing to share everyting i have with u ...and even try not to be that sensitive but i m really changing thats y i told u anyting we shd let each other know, and so i told u but well it end up to be a quarrel, i really have no intendtion of that, i juz wana let u be aware and i know i shd not be in this way .. guess again its a bad move of me.I learn to adapt and change for the r/s we r in ... but well living together is really different.Imagine if we r not living together, everyday fetch each other from work ... having dinner together and then go back home ...and etc ..i guess it be more sweeter this way and all this will not happen after all, and maybe we learn to understand each other more.I dun give up certain things so easy and maybe u may find me a pest, and coz i love u. we have not reach our ending yet and this shd not be cause of some miscommunication and approach.
I really wana wish u the best, be it for me or u, watever u people console i tend to understand, but well i really fall this time, losing u is really a great impact to me...to advise is easy but when things happen to me, i duno wat to do, well stupid indeed ... but i really dun deserve all this without yur understanding and to look things clearer .. and y r we together at the first place.I know u have yur own tinking but all i ask is that u try to be in different shoe and think ... y let a small minor issues effect us for the greater achive ahead.Well tired, but well to the belief that we have, we will overcome it together ....
All i ask is juz a little more time from u ..
I tink hard and long, wondering wat went wrong .. all i know even things when wrong, at certain point it was out of good intention but well the way of approach wrong.Thinking too much causes tings not to turn up well ... being sensitive at the wrong time and wrong action.I always wana tink of activites that both of us can do together, all the while i thought its nice but at times it get me carry away into the game.I stop gaming for kind of long till i met her, and i thought i shd tink of things that we can do together and since she got play game .. so we start playing shuihu online then AOE ... heh it was fun ...seeing her into the game hee ... she will start swearing heh at times can be worst then me.I really duno wat is call mature anymore, or i guess i take things for granted ...but well i always do the wrong action at the wrong time ... but deep inside my heart i really care for her .. So well i told myself muz change ... well temper start begin better but well more things to change ..i always thought of sweet ting for her and to do for her but well i duno y i think so much like money issues and etc ..worrying after spenting this, will there be enough for us ...I guess everyone need a little breathing space at times ... but guess me or even everyone will tend to take tings for granted at times ... but at times we make up for it ...I guess me always tink of the promises that we make and assume that she agree at times of wat i say ..i always thought by commication will do the work ..but heh it dun ..it tend to reflect a bad way that i always wana win and sound so unreasoanable ... but all behind it was a heart of mine that loving her always. I know at times its not an excuse but well mistake tend to be make at times.Example to me it might sound i m in a gd tone but to her its not .. but i really wana clarify i dun mean anything at times, i juz wana let her know wat i m thinking and again bad move at the wrong time .. i really envy couple and i thought we r the one too ..to be prepare to walk down the road together and so to remind each other and bearing with each other ..changing for the better and etc.After u left, i have so much to tell u, well too late ...:( and so i write to u ...To me ..guess bad things all add together tend to become horrible, but all i ask is to be fair in a way,or tend to look things in a different way or path.ALl i know no one is perfect .. all the while i never mind or even bother abt the mistake u make but tend to explain ..yes at times i m angry but well deep inside my heart, i never blame u once at all ...juz that at times ..the mind become corrupted. No matter what things happen, i will be the first to raise my hand and solve it together for u.At times i really do envy u so i did told u to treasure yur parents and etc.Yur dad dote on u ..and yur mum too ... and i guess if something is bothering u ..it might be yur grandma.I seem to be strong in the outer face but well deep inside i guess i m shit, a person who is stupid, dumb to action. But i have an loving heart juz for u and prepare to walk down the road together with u ... maybe the one being native is really me ...know how to advise people and etc but me, hmm nthing but useless but devotion to u.I was so happy when we tend to play together on the bed ...toking abt planning, and love with u is so great and i drop tears most of the time.I never really expect much, even the moment of happiness is so little but i will remember it ...coz it come out truefully from the heart .. and whereby unhappiness is juz a moment of folly and ignorance that carry us away... anger is a bad character that give us human.But the heart is true and that is so great for me that it make us sensible after that.The ablum i really wana make it complete then give it to u as a surprise but i worry i have no chance anymore ... it really show me my paitent and my love for u ... remember every single things and bad things ... to change the bad tings and to make things better.Maybe i may not be mature but i guess ... i really treasure u with a mature mind which i willing to forgo and scarifice to make things happen ... and not allowing yur bad nature to make things worst.At times thing happen cause we care, well we cannot deny that... tinking positive in another way y that y this, it all start with a reason of loving each other.
Well hope u dun get annoy of wat i m writing .. i juz writing how i feel now .. and i m really wana chase u back and to show u to prove u ...i belive the jean now is juz tired and maybe numb from me, but will never 4get the things between us if she is cool to tink.... from the eye and things that we go though ... i belive u will never 4get too and the word we say to each other ... making love with u is not to satisfy desire but to feel u in me and the love .. which melt me and touch me ...
well enough of my rubbish ..do rest early ya .. if can ..can i meet u for dinner tmr ..as in tuesday i guess ... at jurong .. Even as a friend now .. i dun wana c u unhappy but well this stupid james juz dun understand certain point and so afraid of losing u .. Pls ..sincerly asking u ..give me time to show ..
Loving U James.

To someone whom i care as a friend now ...
Was really unhappy to c yur msn intro, keep wondering what went wrong for u.Even for me to think abt u, or not toking abt for me chasing u back.
I guess u really need to reflect hard and not keep taking things for granted, at times society and enviroment dun allow u to do so.Ever think over the years wat have u do and wat have u achieve and change.You always feel that u r right and never wanted to tink hard and giving things up easy, i m not saying for me.Example birthday is a gd example, yes true birthday is meant to be happy but have u think y i did that, guess u did not, coz it leave u a bad impression.Do u remember the first time u pass out, at that moment i was so lost, duno wat to do, all i know i got a feel that u r leaving me alone in this world, i was scare, i worry for u ...i worry something bad happen to u, do u know the feeling is very terrible, is like someone gona leave away for good.Even i was so angry that day, coz i care and worry but well u juz stick to yur own thinking.
i did all this coz i love u, fine even not being together. but well tink abt yur own character, enviroment, and look around and see hard. Not living in yur own little world not listening to others, but able to dignouse, disgest and think, why this happen, why that, why they do that, not keep blaming on anyting.If i m so that imature to u, and dun sound resonable then wat make u to be so iggnorance
i except for wat i m but u never except for wat u r .. Jean, pls do reflect and think. Even as a friend to u, i m advising u. I might be wrong, not in the position to say u but well its all facts...take care. I be using time to wait and show u. Always be by u when u need me. Remember not to drink so much and smoke, coz of yur weak heart and go c doc soon when u take yur pay, dun anyhoe spent.
Tell me who really understand u and dare to say u to know wat u did ... and to remind u.Even i duno wat u want, but as yur on yur character, i m judging and see as a facts of wat is happening.
Like example, u r sick, yes i may not did my part.Well i not saying for me, i juz wana u to aware, r u really that sick that u cannot work, well think hard.If u have work long enough in there, i guess it be ok for once awhile, but well u juz started work, and u saying its a nice company, nice people around and well r u taking it for granted at times.And if u r the boss, wat will u tink.
U say u keep worry this and that, afraid of this and that, well so far didn't i use action to show and prove...doing things that both of us doing together is kind of action.Doing up things, toking abt future is to show...as time as the judge.
Dun i worry as well and everytime have to think for the path and road to walk ? having u always in the piority and a factor to move around ...
Doing things never tink of the result u might get at times or even to bother and to think for other people... u love to compare ... u can be very calculative to certain things, u never think hard for each single things that u tend to do, at times so rush ...
But well to me all this, hmm which person dun particularly have abit of all, but most important, do we ourself know and tend to reflect and not blaming in the end.
U say things dun come easy, treasure it before u lost it... well think for abt u yurself ..
I m speaking in general as a friend to u now ... as a person who love u deeply ...a person who willing to guide u along .. and change for the better ... not as a person who is angry and hot temper now whom is upset abt u saying not to waste time on her.Still i belive the Jean i know, whom we seat together toking abt the future and planning, whom we love to tickle so much and playing ... she is juz tired now but i belive she will think hard after that.
Love u.

06th July
Hi,
I wana so much to say how sorry i m, i been worrying for u, wonder what u r doing.
You mean the world to me.... filingl the soul within me.... Without you my love, My heart impedes the life in me….
I’m sorry I hurt you... I’m sorry I caused you pain……
I'm soo sorry. I love you soo much, its "ungodly." You mean EVERYTHING to me. There is no denying that. I know I have been a REALLY BIG IDIOT these past one month, but Please Please dont let that ruin everything we have. I can't imagine my life without you in it. I'm sorry I blow things out of proportion out of nowhere. PLEASE FORGIVE ME!
I know things were not always perfect with us, I dont know if there are relationships out there that are perfect. I just want to let u know that I truly appreciate the time that we had together I've learned a lot, sacraficed a lot, and most importantly experienced Luv a lot. I want to thank u for being patient with me when I was being unbearable. Again I thank you, And always know I will Luv u, I know ive made some mistakes in the past... but from this day forward i vow to show u how much i love you and how much i really do appreciate having you in my life....I promise to make things right because i dont want to lose the best thing that has ever happened to me...
I love you with all my heart . I'm sorry for the way that I act sometimes but no matter what or how I act I'll always love you because it's just impossible for me not to... I think that you and I are meant to be and we are just stuck with one another like u say u gona stick with me no matter wat.
I'm sorry for the way I am, I'm sorry for the way I treat you. I pay for hurting you everytime I do and I'm so sorry. I want to treat you with respect and make you a happy wife one day. You are my future and my life. Please give me the chance to prove that I can be a better person and With your help I can be. i know sorry is just a word, but for what it's worth I am very sorry for everything. You caused me pains too and I'm really confused about everything. I much want things to be stable and that you get all the time you need to make your decision. I love you so much and never will I think that I can forget you....
I been thinking shd i send to u ..I came across an article ..so juz wana share with u ..I been so nagging and well like a pest coz i wana make u have a clearer mind and picture to see thing instead at this point even not for u to come back to me but at least i understand that u have really see and understand ..
I wana use time to change for the better and to show u ..to make changes because i want it to be.Having u being a catalyst for my improvement, i always wana stress that and make certain things to u understandable, that it is me who is doing it even that u were not around, i wana show u my sincerity to u ... coz i say times again that i really truely love u.
I know i have alot of soul searching to be done, just wana let u know that i take everything seriously, and are working on handling these problems.

7th July
Heh as much as i miss u and wonder abt u ... i hope u realize my heart for u .. i always be there for u when u need me, watching u from afar ...For yesterday's memories, today's love, and tomorrow's dreams I love you ...I loved you once, I love you still, I always have, I always will...The road to true love was never easy, I know I've hit all the bumps, but now I'm standing strong saying, I love you, 'til the end of time."
Remember to take care of yurself, dun smoke and drink so much for yur weak heart ..

8th July
It been a week, a really not easy week for me, at times i really hope a third party can make u understand or juz tok to u, i never ever sided with me myself even when i tok to ck, maggie , as u knew maggie never side with me one even she knew me longer, all i ask is the see everything in a fair manner, having a clearer picture. U might dout my love and wat i say 4 u .. all i can say time to prove and show my sincerity.Pls do take care yurself, do remember to find work, and don't drink so much. I really hope that one day u will understand my love for u and wat i willing to do for u .... The door to our own little hut always open 4 u, everything will still remain the same juz 4 u, never ever my temper like last time.I really at times thought to end everything, but i really can't bear to leave u, or to see u, really trying real hard to stand, i pray for u and me, hoping that u will understand, giving me the strength to hold on to u and stand up again.Seeing u yesterday, i feel real hurt, it look so fake maybe that is the real u but all i ask is to treasure u yurself and not drink so much, i knew u have yur limit but i guess i m still worry, i knew yur frd will send u back home, he is a nice guy, even promise to send u back safely and even sms me when he send u home.I knew i cannot face u yesterday but i wana show u that i can, my heart is always be with u ...Me James Tan will always Love u, be there for u, the heart for u always be the same for u ...
Signing off ... YUrs sincerity Ultranman